The Secret Guide to Becoming a Spartan Badass: An Interview with Faux Joe De Sena

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the secret guide to becoming a spartan badass

The following is a guest post by an entity called¬†Faux Joe De Sena: an intoxicated, sadistic, and unstable fragment of Spartan Race founder Joe De Sena’s subconscious. I conjured Faux Joe using an Ouija board forged out of molten finisher’s medals and the letter/number combinations from Spartan Race memory challenges.

And now, here’s Faux Joe:

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In the book, Spartan Up!, Joe talks about the traits of successful people and how to overcome obstacles. Sure, he seems tough, but that’s only half the story. You see, as a fully integrated self, Joe must answer to specific social and moral values–his culturally informed conscience–as he leads a movement of self improvement. Well, as Joe’s unfiltered, unrestrained subconscious, I am unbound and can share our deep, secret thoughts without pesky social filters.

And so as a public service to all you modern Spartan wannabe’s, I’ve compiled a list–exclusive to Andrew’s kick-ass blog, of the secret guide to becoming a Spartan badass. If you’re the sensitive type, can’t discern comedic nuance, or wear your testicles on your sleeve, feel free to leave.

1) Hire (or enslave) People for Training Purposes

fitness in the main square of Madrid

Train helot slaves with yoga so they remain relaxed during slaughter.

Spartan society contained a group called helots, a sub-class of humans whose sole purpose was to perform the menial tasks of daily life and also serve as a fake military force the Spartan soldiers could slaughter for practice.

If you want to take OCR and Spartan races seriously, you need to act like a Spartan. Conscript friends, family, and small children (preferably homeless) for your mission. Have them construct OCR training gear, form human walls to climb, or drape them over your shoulder as a log carry substitute. Truly devoted friends will become spear throw targets, and a good helot always knows how to hide the evidence.

Good helots are hard to come by. Find ones who share your vision (or who are at least susceptible to mind-altering drugs).

2) Make More Spartans

Ryan-Gosling

In Sparta, making future Spartans was just as important as training for battle. Spartan events feature a kids’ race, a foretaste to the agoge environment that awaits the serious Spartan family. Being committed to the Spartan ideal means passing on the Spartan legacy to our progeny. We accomplish this in two ways…

1) Spartans make love at every opportunity, while wearing weighted vests, and screaming “Aroo!” at the appropriate climactic juncture. Neighbors often hear Spartans in the throes of Spartan-making, like the long, guttural roar of lions on the savanna.

2) Spartans brainwash the children of non-Spartans and train them in the agoge of their backyards. By converting the young, impressionable minds of other youth, Spartans send them out into the world like a cloud of spores ready to infect others with visions of glory, family photos sullen with race mud, and insatiable medal lust.

3) What is Your Profession?

Dollarphotoclub_77301855

What the hell is a “corporate ladder” exactly? If it doesn’t exist on an obstacle course, it isn’t a real ladder. And who climbs this so-called ladder for decades and then brags “See this ladder? Yeah, I climbed that like a boss. Here’s a picture and a few scars.”

No one.

No one lies on their deathbed wishing they’d climbed more corporate ladders or shares stories of said ladder climbing with friends and family. No man or woman has seen an image of corporate ladder-climbing and said “Damn, look at those glutes,” as they scale the obstacle.

A Spartan’s profession is battle, taking on the obstacles of life headlong, spear fixed, and shield forward with comrades at your side. Want to be a legend? Want your kids to brag about you? Want your spouse to undress you with their imagination and speak to you exclusively in sexual innuendo? Make obstacle racing your primary culture, and the day job your secret identity.

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Unfortunately that’s all the time we have with Faux Joe today, as we’ve received reports that the real Joe has declared war on BattleFrog and Warrior Dash, calling them “Persian dogs,” and “Athenian whores,” respectively, marching toward their corporate offices along with SGX coaches clad only in scarlet capes, shields, and spears. Reintegration with his subconscious should mend the psychotic break and all will return to normal.

Should…

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