Why I’m Voting Obstacle Racing for President 2016

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The 2016 presidential election seems to have driven these United States into a political frenzy. More than any time in recent history, the nation is irreparably split between the two most visible candidates: Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. In fact, the dividing lines are so deep and voting blocs so entrenched, that there seems to be no compromise, no shades of grey when it comes to voter opinion regarding the choice before us: There is no “lesser evil,” no middle ground; it’s love or hate.

Is there any hope for a great uniting force, someone whose personality and platform comes across as less of an ultimatum and more like a friend with benefits?

The answer is an emphatic YES, and it isn’t a who, but a what.

flag OCR

 

Hey, if boys can really be girls, folks can surgically transform into lizards, and marathons of idiocy like The Bachelor can survive for 19 seasons, then by God a sport can run for political office in the United States.

So before your collective eyes roll back in disbelief, let’s take a look at Obstacle Racing’s qualifications and platform.

Qualifications and Experience:

Age: Centuries-old, as a universal training concept for military forces around the world.

Political Affiliation: Neutral and unaffiliated.

Voting Record: Consistent record as an unbiased equalizer, favoring outcomes which promote the tried and true, while culling the unprepared.

 

Political Platform:

Revive the Economy

  • Obstacle Racing, highly mobile and adaptable machine, draws thousands of people into local municipalities on any given weekend, providing relief and a welcomed boost to local economies which might otherwise grow stale.
  • As the fastest growing sport in the world, Obstacle Racing promises to provide economic growth through job creation in the fields of sports medicine, media specialists, engineers, construction, transportation, design, and service industries.
  • Obstacle Racing promises to alleviate unemployment, especially among former military members, who are especially qualified to offer service experience as OCR race directors, trainers, and course designers.

Overhaul Healthcare

  • With heart disease and obesity afflicting millions of Americans, Obstacle Racing has a proven record of inspiring a “fitness renaissance” which has drawn millions away from their couches and into a fitness lifestyle.
  • As president, Obstacle Racing will decimate the national health crisis, saving lives and countless dollars in medical costs clogging the economy.
  • Introduce OCR as a form of rehabilitative treatment for depression, addiction, and other psychological issues which are currently treated with dubious medications which cause regrettable side effects.

Strengthen National Defense

  • By encouraging the participation of all citizens in OCR, Obstacle Racing will strengthen our national defense by creating a new “hoplite citizenry:” fit, fearless, and capable of deterring domestic threats by reputation alone.
  • Funds saved in military training and weapons development, subsidized by creating a national ethos of fit citizenship, will be redirected toward rehabilitating service members wounded in mind, body, and spirit, as well as supporting the families of those who sacrificed their lives in the line of duty.
  • Obstacle Racing promises to strengthen our cities and towns by inspiring fit and confident citizens which make any criminal seeking easy victims a regretable enterprize.

Improve Education

  • Obstacle Racing promises a course in every school, where recess is restored in all its glory, so that restless children are no longer labelled as disruptive or hyperactive simply because they are made to sit for hours on end in a box when they were designed to climb, explore, and move.
  • New, integrated classes which include science, math, and design as children learn to build the very courses they will use on school grounds.

End Racial, Ethnic, and Class Warfare

  • As president, Obstacle Racing promises to deliver the death blow to the antiquated systems of profiling and prejudice which have haunted society for generations. OCR will wash away all notions of separation as citizens claw their way to the finish line as one people, covered in the anonymity of blood, mud, and sweat, culminating in the roar of unitive triumph which shatters the hall of mirrors which has distorted the human race as divided for so long.

half splat

 

See, now wasn’t that fun? Now that you’ve thought about it, Obstacle Racing–in the midst of our current options–may not actually be such a bad choice. Now all we need is a running mate…

Amelia Boone (Photo credit: David Salafia)

Amelia Boone (Photo credit: David Salafia)

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